Week 4: I've Got Skills

So we've started out this challenge by focusing on keeping our interactions with our children respectful and love-based, rather than disrespectful and fear-based.

We've added a problem-solving component by introducing the family meeting agenda.  

....and this week we're going to add something that will hopefully make the above two items easier:  

Skills Training

This is basically just teaching your kids a skill you think would benefit them-- and helping them implement that skill during the week.  

Skills like: 

Respectfully disagreeing.

Respectfully requesting something.

Using manners at the dinner table.

Answering adults' questions.  

Positive time outs (going to a safe, comfortable place to regroup when upset).

Self-soothing techniques (breathing, taking a foot bath, curling up in a blanket, looking at a favorite book, playing a musical instrument, etc.)

Accepting what you can't change and changing what you can.  

Doing what you can with what you've got.

Saving money.

Planning ahead.  

Respecting others.

Showing reverence.

Sharing.

Respecting boundaries.

Focusing on one task at a time.

Completing overwhelming tasks.

Setting goals.

Identifying and regulating emotions.

Being a good friend.

Going shopping with your mother without adding to her gray hairs.

Resolving conflicts.

Managing time.  

Coping with disappointment.

Tying one's shoelaces.

Riding a bicycle.  

Making a phone call.    

Skills training is HUGE.  

As I see it, the two biggest jobs of parenthood are to LOVE and to TEACH.

So go and ahead and pick a skill for the week-- either one that all of your children could benefit from or -- if you're feeling ambitious-- pick one for each child.  

Both of my kids need to practice RESPECTFULLY DISAGREEING, so I think that's what we'll focus on this week.  

What will that look like?  

Well, first, it means we'll talk about it at our family meeting.  "Our skill for this week is Respectfully Disagreeing, kids!  I'm going to write it on our kitchen white board so we can remember it all week long!  Now let's talk about what it means to respectfully disagree."  Then I will probably do some puppet shows demonstrating both respectful and disrespectful disagreement techniques.   

I will explain to my kids that when they disagree, it is unacceptable to whine, badger, or disobey.  However, sometimes a kid has a legitimate piece of information that might change my mind about something.  Like if they're totally into the project they're working on when I ask them to empty the dishwasher.  I'm usually open to letting them finish up what they're doing before they come complete their task.  Or if they asked to make  brownies for dessert and I, not wanting to deal with the cleanup, I just quickly said, "no"-- but then they added they wanted to share the brownies with an elderly friend-- I would probably change my mind.  

So the idea is that sometimes they need to just accept no or obey, but sometimes it's okay for them to respectfully add some more information to the communication.  

My plan for this week is to begin by teaching my kids that there are three acceptable responses to a "no" or a request to do something.    

"Okay"

"Sir, yes, sir!"  

or

 "May I respectfully disagree?"  

So once that's been taught, we will spend the week practicing it.  When I catch the kids whining or badgering, I will remind them about Respectfully Disagreeing and coach them through the process if they need it.  

Your kids may not have a problem with this, so feel free to teach another skill.  

But here's the overall plan for the week:   

1.  Have a family meeting again!  Don't forget to do compliments, teach a character quality, and go over your agenda items!  Review the respectful behaviors chart.  And this time, teach a skill.    

2. Reinforce your skill all week.  

3.  Keep on keeping track of problems that need to be solved and putting them on your family meeting agenda (It's so great to say, "Hey, kids.  This seems to be an issue.  Let's put this on our agenda."  It totally helps alleviate some of my fears knowing that we're going to work together to solve the problem.)  

4.  Keep track of your points, if you feel like it.  For some reason I have an inner resistance to this--  retarded, I know, since I came up with the idea, but I think it makes me feel overwhelmed.  Feeling overwhelmed makes me shut down.  I'm very much of a take-it-a-little-at-a-time kind of a gal.  So anyway, I've switched to just trying to follow through on the focus of the week.  If the points work for you, keep using them.  If they don't-- well, don't.

5. Check in on Facebook!