When Soren's Soul Leaves His Body

After work today, I went to pick up the boys from my parents' house.

First I greeted my kids, who were watching TV (Liam) and playing on the computer (Soren).  I knew prying them away from their screens wouldn't be pretty, so I told each of them that we would be leaving in about 15 minutes so I could make it home in time to go to Relief Society at 7.  I visited with my parents for a bit...then gave both the boys a 5 minute warning.  After 5 minutes elapsed, I told them both it was time to go.  I got Liam out to the car pretty quickly but Soren was a whole 'nother ball of wax.   He was on the computer and there was no way in the devil's own palace that he was going to get off.

I started by trying a little humor.  Soren and I  do this thing where I'm like, 'I'm going to sing until you do the thing I just asked you to do!' and he hurries and does it because he thinks my songs are annoying. I started singing-- "Ooooohhhhhh, I love to go home!  To get ready and go hooooome!" and he got off the computer-- but only to angrily try pushing me out of the room.

So then I tried to see things from his perspective.  I could relate to not wanting to stop doing something I was enjoying, so I said to him, "Soren, dude, I know you want to stay here and play on the computer.  It stinks to have to stop doing something when you're having fun.  But we need to go home."

His response?  An explosive "NO!"

I could see that he was beginning to get agitated-- and that (dear Lord) he was on the verge of doing this thing that we refer to as "Soren's soul leaving his body"-- so I tried to be as calm as I could be to counteract his agitation.  "Honey," I told him, "We need to go."  He tried to run back to the computer so I grabbed him under the armpit to guide him out.  "Shhhhh.  Let's go."  He started flailing around. "Shhhh, Soren," I said.  "Calm down.  It's okay."  I tried to pick him up to hug him but and he just thrashed around some more.  I wanted to be able to just pick him up and heft him out to the car, but 50 pounds of angry muscle and bone are super hard for me to manage for that sort of distance.  I didn't think I would make it without getting seriously injured en route.

"Honey," I finally said, "if you don't come with me right now,  I'll have to have Daddy come pick you up on his way home.  If that happens, you won't be able to play the computer at Grandma's house for a long, long time."  He hit me a couple of times, hard.  "Oops," I told him.  "That's one month without computer at Grandma's." He kicked me.  "Oops," I said.  "That's two."   He headbutted me.  "That's three months.  Do you want to make it four?"  I bundled him up in my arms so he couldn't hit, sat down with my legs over his legs so he couldn't kick, and said, "Honey, shhhh, it's okay."   But he just thrashed around and shouted, "No!  I'm not going!"  I felt powerless and frustrated.  When he gets into a state like that, it's like nothing can reach him-- thoughts of consequences, loving words, nothing.  He's essentially gone-- replaced by a wild little animal.  Add to that, I was worried about Liam, who had been waiting outside in the dark while I'd been wrestling his brother for the past five minutes.  So I finally just said, "Okay, Soren.  I have to go.  Daddy will come and get you and there will be no computer at Grandma's house for a year."  And I left.  When I was in my car, I called Abe, who was on his way home from work, and asked him to come get Soren.

I cried a little on the way home.

By the time Abe got home with Soren, I was heading out the door, but later Abe sat down with Soren and talked through the situation with him.

So my thoughts on the incident:  

-A year sounds like a ridiculous amount of time.  Do you think that's excessive?  My reasoning was that maybe his brain will be better able to handle transitions when he's older (this isn't the first time we've had an incident like this), but maybe I should cut it back to six months.  Abraham thinks I should stick with what I said originally.  Thoughts on that?

-I feel really good about how calm I was through the whole encounter.  I think that's core for Soren, so that he can focus on HIS behaviors, rather than on how mean Mommy was when she freaked out and screamed at him.

-My biggest FEAR in situations like that is that Soren is going to keep on responding to disappointment like this-- but that it will become scarier and more dangerous as he becomes bigger and stronger.

-Do ya'll have any other thoughts on how that situation could have been handled more gracefully/effectively?

(For an awesome cartoon story about another time when Soren's soul left his body, click here.)